


Kas-tastrophy (Kasper's Catastrophic Love Journey)

by callmeb6104



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: F/F, Love Confessions, M/M, One Shot, Romance, Side Story
Language: Filipino
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:08:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22790764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callmeb6104/pseuds/callmeb6104
Summary: Ang magulo at patuloy na paghahanap ni Kasper Kim sa taong para sa kanya.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Park Chanyeol, Lu Han/Oh Sehun
Kudos: 2





	Kas-tastrophy (Kasper's Catastrophic Love Journey)

**Author's Note:**

> This one shot is a one shot side story of Kasper in the novel, "LOVE SHOT: Ang Misadventures ni Dade Chanyeol at Tita Baekhyun" from WP.
> 
> P.S. Story is understandable even without reading the main novel, Love Shot.

\---

The question is, why?

Bakit ang ironic ko? Ever since I hated the idea of love after what I witnessed to the people around me. Sa gulo ng relasyon ng mga magulang ko. How my dad kept on cheating and yet mom kept on welcoming him home. How they fought, cried and regretted every hurtful thing they said and done. How they went back together again. How they gave me hope I'll have my family back. How they eventually got tired and still got annulled.

How all of that I did not understand.

And yet I'm here. Mag-isa. Wasak. Sa paulit-ulit na pagsubok magmahal. Sa paulit-ulit na pag-aakala na 'yung taong gusto ko, siya na. Siya na 'yung para sa'kin. I kept on catching them and showering them with all that I am, just like what my mom did that I hated so much. Bakit?

It's ironic.

And it's bullshit.

"Kasper."

I looked up at nakita ko si Baekhyun. Nakangiti siya nang malapad which makes his eyes form crescents. Hindi ko pinlano, pero napangiti ako pabalik nang makita ko siya.

He's standing in front of me. In his casual shirt and jeans at white rubber shoes. Leaning a bit lower para ilebel ang mukha niya sa mukha ko, looking at me normally na parang sanay na siya seeing me wearing my 'dancing attire'. Maaga akong nag-out sa dance academy na pinagtuturuan ko, samantalang si Baekhyun, on leave pa dahil kakabalik lang niya galing ng honeymoon after his wedding. The sky is gloomy with its dark clouds but it's a miracle how Baekhyun just makes the space around him glow.

"Baekhyun," I called.

"Kanina ka pa, 'Per?"

"Not really."

His face soured sa sagot ko, suspecting me. "'Di nga, anong oras ka dumating?"

"Kadarating ko lang. Swear."

"What time?"

"Mga ano..." I looked at my watch, remembering kung anong oras ako nakarating sa park na siyang meeting place namin ngayong araw. "1:48."

"Ay hala. See? Kanina ka pa nga." Finally sumimangot na si Baekhyun, maybe worrying na baka nainip ako kahihintay despite the busy day. "Forty minutes ago na 'yun, eh." Nagsimula siyang maglakad kaya I decided na sundan na siya. Ang sabi niya kasi gusto niya raw na sabay kaming pumunta doon sa café. 

"Oh? Hindi naman ganun katagal para sakin."

"Lokohin mo na lahat 'wag lang ako. I don't believe you."

I just chuckled. Alam kong talo na ako. I fastened my pace, kasi habang mas naiinis si Baekhyun, mas bumibilis ang lakad niya sa kabila ng pagiging mas maiksi ng biyas niya kumpara sa'kin. Ginulo ko 'yung buhok niya kahit na aware akong mas sisimangutan niya lang ako tapos saka umakbay sa kanya habang sabay kaming naglalakad. I grinned, suddenly reminded of the past.

This person right here was my first love. Yes, was.

Because apparently, Baekhyun Byun isn't the last.

\---

Baekhyun is like... how do I say this? A cotton candy? Siguro nga.

Si Baekhyun 'yung taong kayang pasayahin o pagaanin ang loob ng mga tao sa paligid niya. I knew this by observing from afar. Alam ko nung unang beses ko pa lang siyang makita na I was attracted to him. He's a guy like me, but it didn't matter. I didn't think much that time whether I liked him or I was just attracted by his positivity and his smile. All I know was he made me smile, always.

And it went on like that kahit na buong college, hindi niya ako nakilala.

We talked once. Una dapat no'ng enrollment, pero naduwag ako. Hindi naman ako kasing appeal ng ibang lalaki at isa pa, pumasok ako sa university para ayusin na ang buhay ko at lubayan na ang pagsasayaw, like what my parents are pushing in my throat. I was afraid to lose focus because I did not know how weak I could be in love. Bukod do'n, kumapit ako sa dahilan na ayoko sa ideya ng pagmamahal.

Umatras ako.

Nakita ko na lang si Baekhyun na may kausap. He looked mesmerized to the guy who was holding his pen.

"Thank you sa pagpapahiram mo ng ballpen mo. Nakaabot ako sa cutoff." I heard the guy say.

I almost facepalmed. I haven't thought na gamiting dahilan ang panghihiram ng ballpen para makausap yung taong gusto ko. But then.. ayoko nga ng pag-ibig, hindi ba?

The first moment I get to talk to Baekhyun was during the university fair. Second year na kami no'n. We were both in the Business Management course, habang 'yung manliligaw niya, the same guy who borrowed his pen nung enrollment, the popular Chanyeol Park, nasa Accountancy. I didn't know this because I was keeping updates with my supposed crush, pero nalaman ko lang din dahil sikat si Chanyeol sa school.

That day, I managed to give Baekhyun a handkerchief.

"Bakit ka umiiyak mag-isa dito? Here. Panyo. Punasan mo luha mo."

"Thank you, kuya."

He was crying alone in the field pagkatapos nung basketball game. He simply thanked me. His suitor went over, and I was casted aside.

Hindi naman ako nag-expect. Moreover, I don't like love.

Pero pinaglalaruan yata ako ng tadhana. Six years after graduating, I saw Baekhyun again.

Of course I had few crushes after I gave up on Baekhyun. My post sophomore years until the first few years after graduating had been long enough para marami akong makilala. Isa pa, it wasn't like I really liked Baekhyun the first time. Didn't I?

And like I said, I didn't fancy love. It was hard enough for me nung nagkaroon ako ng silly childish crush kay Baekhyun. What more of those few people---girls and guys---who tried?

I saw Baekhyun on the same university six years after graduation. At katulad noon, nag-eenroll siya ulit. Masteral, this time. I wondered too much then. Bakit after six years saka siya nagmasteral? Kamusta na siya? How was he as a business degree holder as I am? Masaya pa rin ba siya? Ang dami kong tanong dahil kahit hindi naman kami naging magkakilala, ang dami kong gustong malaman. I kept on thinking na dahil lang 'to sa curiosity, pero ang tigas ng ulo ko.

Next thing I knew---despite me having a stable job as a choreographer in a dance academy---nag-eenroll na ako pagkatapos ni Baekhyun.

And yet I made myself believe I hate love.

\---

I figured out later that Chanyeol---Baekhyun's boyfriend---was still there. Tumango-tango ako noon sa sarili ko. Of course. Chanyeol would still be there. Ang tanga niya naman kung pakakawalan niya ang isang katulad ni Baekhyun. 

Syempre kung hindi siya tanga, ako 'yung tanga. Because I found myself trying to catch Baekhyun's attention, eventually. Pinaniwala ko 'yung sarili ko na gusto ko lang ng atensyon bilang isang kaibigan. Kasi naging close naman kami. Kasi marami naman kaming napagsamahan kahit paano.

Pero mali.

And I got dumped, few months later. And as cliché as it sounds, I got dumped in the rain.

"Umuwi ka na, Kasper. Please lang. Ayaw muna kitang makausap."

I still remember that night. 'Yung gabi kung saan nilasing ako ng paniniwala ko na nasa tabi lang ako ni Baekhyun kasi magkaibigan kami. At kasabay ng pagkalasing na 'yon ang pagkawala ng pag-iisip ko kung ano ang tama. After suddenly confessing, dinala agad ng pagkakataon sa harap ko ang boyfriend ni Baekhyun. The lucky fucktard.

Chanyeol threw a punch on me but I continued pissing him off. Telling him things. As if I deserved his boyfriend more than him.

I went home after Baekhyun dumped me just like that. At gano'n nga siguro ako karupok. So with Baekhyun's words stabbing my heart, I went home with a blackeye and a bruised stomach. Pero alam ko namang deserve kong masuntok ng boyfriend niya no'ng gabing 'yon. Deserve ko lahat.

\---

"You're spacing out."

I blinked. Suddenly nakita ko na nakaupo sa harapan ko si Baekhyun, nakapalumbaba sa table sa pagitan namin. He's staring curiously at me habang hawak ng kabilang kamay niya 'yung device na tutunog at magsasabi kapag ready na 'yung inorder namin.

Napatingin ako sa paligid ko. Ah, nasa café nga pala kami ngayon. I looked outside through the glass walls. Somehow medyo maliwanag na ang kalangitan. Hindi tulad kanina na parang anytime uulan nang malakas.

Rain. Sa pagkakatanda ko, mahilig ako maglaro sa ulan noon. Pero sa ulan ako nasaktan ng dalawa, tatlong beses.

"Buti naman hindi na masyadong makulimlim," I said, diverting the topic. Mukha namang hindi napansin ni Baekhyun 'yon.

"Hmm, medyo maliwanag na nga."

I continued staring at the sky. Hindi ko naiwasang malungkot. Maybe today is really not a good day for me, huh?

"You look gloomy." Nagsalita si Baekhyun. "And I mean, mas gloomy pa sa langit. May problema ba, Kasper?"

I don't know what happened, but it's kinda warm nung hawakan ako ni Baekhyun sa braso. His eyes, puno ng pag-aalala at.. well, pagmamahal. Ng isang kaibigan. Alam ko naman na alam niyang may kung ano sakin, kahit hindi ko sabihin.

I've been to broken not to be obvious.

"I just don't fancy the rain. Naisip ko lang, it's strange to think right now that I used to love the rain so much."

"Ang random ha. What about the rain?"

"Your boyfriend punched me right in the face under the rain, naaalala mo?"

"Hala, HAHAHA! NAAALALA MO PA?!"

Hindi ko inasahan, pero humagalpak ng tawa si Baekhyun. I was too surprised to react immediately, and I just found him stopping his laughters habang naglalakad papunta sa counter. Tumunog na pala 'yung device. Handa na order namin.

It's just crazy how the things that happened in the past na nagpalungkot sa amin ng maitindi ay tinatawanan na lang namin ngayon. I knew it really hurt big time that rainy night, but when Baekhyun came back, still suppressing his laughters, I found myself laughing with him. Though what happened did hurt before, it was silly to think about now.

Kinagabihan, kahit na mabigat sa loob ko, hinatid ko si Baekhyun sa sakayan pauwi.

"Whew." Bumuntong-hininga ako nung nando'n na kami. Mabigat. "Byun Baekhyun worrying over and over na baka hinahanap na ng asawa niya kaya eager umuwi. You really are married, Baek."

Umiling lang si Baekhyun habang nangingiti. "I've been Chanyeol's boyfriend for too long. Of course, I had to get married to him."

I didn't realize na natahimik pala ako matapos iyon. Baekhyun stared at me worriedly.

"May problema ba, Kasper? Sige na oh. Kanina pa 'yan eh. I know there's something."

"Wala nga." Napakamot ako ng ulo, chuckling awkwardly. "Hindi lang siguro ako makapaniwala."

"Na ano?"

"Na posible pala."

Baekhyun frowned. "Ang?"

"To be in love. And stay in love."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know if I mentioned this, after all this time that we've been friends. Pero I'm not really fond of love, Baekhyun."

Baekhyun stayed quiet for a few seconds, staring at me with his brows raised. "And yet you engaged in it. Tried to love. Over and over again. 'Wag nga ako, Kasper."

Tangina. Hindi ko ineexpect 'yon ngayong gabi. But I played it cool.

Nagkunwari akong nasaksak sa dibdib. Napangiwi si Baekhyun nang gawin ko 'yon.

"Aray! Tumama sa puso 'yung sinabi mo, ah. Sapul."

"Gago."

"Matagal na akong gago." I replied, reminiscing all about my mistakes in love.

"Alam mo Kasper, hindi ako naniniwalang ayaw mo sa pagmamahal."

"It's okay, Baek. You don't have to believe it. Even I, I don't believe it either."

I just convince myself, I said in my mind. Because I'm afraid to get hurt.

But I still love, anyway.

Like Taeyeon.

I don't know if I should call what was between me and Taeyeon as my second love. Hindi ako confident. I've been too harsh with this girl who did nothing but love me. So, yeah, I'm not confident to say if I really did love her.. the right way, at least...

I crossed the street and walked towards the dance studio matapos ihatid si Baekhyun sa sakayan. There I continued on riding the rollercoaster of my memories about the girl I found right after I dramatically got dumped by my first love.

I met Taeyeon Kim that night at the hospital. Matapos makipagsuntukan sa boyfriend ni Baekhyun.

Nakakatawa. My bruises and wounds weren't even that bad---for me, at least, but I chose to be hospitalized. Siguro dahil nung umuwi ako, nadatnan ko 'yung apartment na walang laman. Wala si mom na nasa states. Wala si dad na nasa bago na niyang pamilya.

There was no one. And I craved care that night because I was just, so, so hurt. Everywhere. Physcially, mentally, emotionally.

Getting hospitalized was the only option for someone pitiful like me.

"Matutulog na ako, kung pwede sana pakisarado ang bibig?" That's what I said, if I remember it right. She was blabbering too much, and I just hated it.

Taeyeon was too caring. Even as a nurse. And even though I craved the attention, as desperate as how I even yearned it coming from a stranger doing her job, I got scared. Sa mga simpleng tanong lang ni Taeyeon as a nurse sa akin bilang pasyente niya, natakot ako.

Kasi hindi ako sanay na may ibang taong kumakamusta sa akin. Kung ano bang nararamdaman ko. Kung anong nangyari sa araw ko at bakit napunta ako sa ospital. Kung may masakit ba.

Kung nasasaktan ba ako.

I didn't mean to go back to that hospital after being discharged, pero ginawa ko pa rin. Siguro kasi bago ako umalis, nakita ko ang pagkakapareho namin ni Nurse Kim.

She was right at the corner, habang may kausap sa phone.

"Ako na pong bahala, Ma. 'Wag niyo nang isipin 'yung mga bayarin, basta inumin niyo lahat ng gamot niyo. Okay lang po ako."

And somehow, nakita ko ang sarili ko sa kanya.

I knew she needed someone to care for her. Na dahil puro na lang siya ang umintindi sa iba, nakakalimutan niya nang intindihin ang sarili niya. At first, all I wanted was to sympathize her. Kasi naiintindihan ko siya. Kasi pareho kami. Kasi kailangan niya rin kung ano 'yung kailangan ko. I didn't dwell on the reason much, all because that moment, malakas ang pakiramdam ko na gawin 'yung naiisip ko.

I was oblivious that that decision would just make me fall. Again.

Pero hindi naging buo.

"Tapatin mo nga ako, Kasper."

Nung mga panahong 'yon, alam ko na kung saan patungo 'yung usapan. Lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko. Hindi ako makahinga bigla. Parang tanga lang kasi pakiramdam ko isa akong kriminal na nahuli sa kalagitnaan ng paggawa ng krimen. Pero wala akong palag.

Kasi guilty ako.

"Mahal mo pa ba siya?"

It wasn't supposed to be like that. Naisip ko, kung sasabihin ko man lahat kay Taeyeon noon, dapat sa harap niya. Dapat sa personal. Dapat 'yung... 'yung kaya ko siyang yakapin pagkatapos. 'Yung kaya kong ipakita sa kanya how I felt so sorry. 'Yung kaya niya akong sampalin dahil deserve ko 'yun.

She was my girlfriend at that time pero tama siya. Kalahati ng puso't atensyon ko, na kay Baekhyun pa rin.

Si Baekhyun pa rin. Kasi gaya nga ng sagot ko kay Taeyeon noon, "Hindi naman agad mawawala 'yun."

At hindi nga nawala agad 'yon.

Hangga't sa paulit-ulit sinampal sa'kin ng tadhana na wala akong pag-asa at kailangan ko nang bitawan 'yung nararamdaman ko para sa taong una kong minahal nang buo.

I moved away after Taeyeon broke up with me.

Dahil hindi nagawang bitawan ng puso ko 'yung natitira pang pagmamahal ko kay Baekhyun, nabigo akong ibigay nang buo ang lahat kay Taeyeon.

At dahil doon pareho silang nawala.

Even as a friend. Kahit pakunswelo lang na maging kaibigan ulit ako sa mga buhay nila, nawala.

I tried going to Hawaii kung saan malayo sa Pilipinas. I tried to stay there as much as I could, pero siguro nga hindi mo matatakasan ang tadhana. My job called for me and I came back; only two percent out of a hundred fixed.

But I went on. At least, may two percent. Pwede na siguro.

Hindi ko alam paano ko kinaya, but eventually I managed to be back as that funny and chill friend to Baekhyun and our other friends. It still hurt whenever I remember the things about my unrequited feelings to Baekhyun but.. lumipas ang panahon at nakalimutan ko rin 'yun. I can't say if it was actually because I've totally moved on, but all in all... I was okay.

Until my silly heart played a game again. With Luhan, this time.

Another guy, yes. A funny, charming and pretty guy na maraming sugat sa loob niya despite his bubbly attitude. I was starting to be that quiet and rude type of a person that time pero nagawa niya pa rin akong kausap-kausapin at mapapayag sa mga walang kakwenta-kwenta niyang laro.

"Kung matapang ka, you would play this game with me, you got that, Kim Kasper?"

Isip-bata. Pero sa dulo, pumayag pa rin ako sa laro niya.

"Anong akala mo, aatrasan kita?"

Laro lang naman, 'di ba? Matagal na akong wasak, siguro walang masama kung susubukan ko ulit? That's what I said to myself.

Wala naman talagang masamang sumubok. Kasi gaya nga ng usapan, kung sa loob ng isang linggo at hindi pa rin suklian ng Sehun Oh na 'yon ang atensyon at interes na hinahanap ni Luhan sa kanya, then Luhan and I would try. We would try if we could work, all because we're both crazy and broken and we understand each other.

Pero tama kayo ng hula. Luhan and that Sehun guy worked.

And I was alone again.

Pero hindi naman ako maayadong naapektuhan then. I knew what I was doing with Luhan. It wasn't as if we really liked or loved each other. We were attracted to each other sa simula, oo. Pero other than that? Wala. Seems like what floated on top of everything between us that time is the sympathy we had for each other. Kasi pareho kami.

And just like that, I let Luhan be. Because he was happy.

Ang mahalaga naman talaga para sa'kin ay maging masaya ang lahat. Kahit pa noon. I never regretted anything.

Pagkatapos no'n sinubukan ko nang ayusin ang buhay ko. I spent too much on love which I said I hated for too long. Naisip ko, bakit nga ba ako nag-aaksaya ng panahon sa bagay na hindi naman ako pinapasaya? Sa bagay na ibang tao lang naman ang napapasaya? That time I realized that the only reason I jumped onto love was because I experienced it once. With Baekhyun. And I said to myself that if I failed I would go back to my life like nothing happened. Kasi hindi naman ang pag-ibig ang goal ko. I was bettering myself to be one of the most successful choreographers in the country. That's what I was aiming for. But I got distracted. Sidetracked. Pinagbigyan ko 'yung puso ko pero 'di ba nga nabigo ako? So bakit nandito ako ngayon?

Walang emosyon ang mukha ko nang humarap ko sa salamin ng studio. I was sitting all alone in the corner of the dance studio. I was exhausted, but after thinking all about that---sa tingin ko mas lalo kong na-drain.

Bakit nga ba ilang beses kong sinubukang magmahal ulit pagkatapos kong mabigo ng isang beses? Akala ko ba sinabi ko sa sarili ko na kung mabigo ako sa iba, ayoko na?

Kasi ayoko ng ideya ng pagmamahal?

Ganito ba talaga tayo kinokontrol ng mga emosyon natin?

Ganito ba talaga ako kahina pagdating sa pag-ibig?

Ganito ba talaga ako kadesperadong mahalin pabalik?

As I stared at myself on the mirror, I saw many things. The things I tried to change within me. The things I tried to improve myself. To be better. To move on. To be happy again.

Kasi nung mga panahong 'yun, alam kong natauhan na ako.

Na hindi lang naman romantic love ang meron sa mundo. At hindi lang din naman pagmamahal sa iba ang bubuo sa'kin. Na hindi excuse 'yung magulo kong pamilya para parusahan ko ang sarili ko nang ganito.

Kailangan ko lang naman, mahalin ang sarili ko, hindi ba? So I tried bettering myself.

But when I was about to get my shit together, Sunbin came into the picture.

Yes, pwede niyo akong tawaging marupok. O kaya padalos-dalos ng desisyon. Pero hindi naman ako nagpapapalit-palit ng karelasyon dahil gusto ko lang. Alam kong sinabi kong aayusin ko na ang sarili ko. Na ipapahinga ko na ang puso ko.

But I just... I don't know, maybe I just tried too much kasi gusto ko mahanap ng puso ko kung saan ako pwedeng mapirmi kasi---kasi pagod na ako. Kasi pagod na pagod na ako gusto ko nang huminto. Gusto ko nang mamalagi sa iisang tao na kaya namang intindihin 'yung pagkawala ko.

At iniisip ko na si Sunbin Lee na 'yun. Because after thinking about it too much, naniwala akong si Sunbin na 'yun.

And I was right. Not just entirely, but I was right.

"Kasper the ghost!"

"At least friendly ghost, hindi Bagyong Sunbin! Makulimlim na naman kasi nagsusungit ka."

I can confidently say Sunbin was my greatest love. I adored her too much. Loved her too much more than any other of the people I had loved. We stayed longer than my past relationships. We even had Kassie, 'yung adopted dog na 'anak' daw namin.

The destiny might be too funny, but our stories were entangled with each other as to how Sunbin was Chanyeol's---Baekhyun's boyfriend---almost girlfriend in high school. Totoong hindi ko gusto 'yung fact na 'yun nung simula, especially when I knew kung paano niya hinabol-habol si Chanyeol before she met me. Pero ano nga bang magagawa ko? Afterall, I wouldn't know her if not for her tailing Baekhyun and his boyfriend. Sounds crazy, hindi ba?

But that wasn't the reason our relationship ended. Siguro kasalanan ko lang din. Masyado akong takot na mawala siya. Masyado kasi akong nag-invest sa mga taong minahal ko kaya siguro nung nahanap ko siya at naisip kong siya na talaga, masyadong naging kampante 'yung napapagod kong puso.

Like I said, I wanted my heart to have the place to settle down into. My heart had been lost for too long, at nung naging sigurado ako kay Sunbin, masyado akong naging kampante. Oo, masyado pa rin akong takot mawala siya, pero siguro hindi ko na naparamdam sa kanya 'yun.

Apparently we both outgrew each other. Pareho kaming nagkalayo na ng landas at nakita ko na lang na nakikipaghiwalay na siya sa'kin.

"It means I'm giving up."

"Bab, sandali. What do you mean? G-giving up?"

"Let's break up, Kasper."

Naisip ko lang: bakit kaya hindi ako bigyan ng tadhana ng pagkakataon na ako naman 'yung makipaghiwalay? Bakit palagi na lang sila? Why is it that it's me who always get dumped?

"Gano'n ba kadali sa'yong iwanan ako. Bakit lahat na lang kayo madali akong iwan?"

Siguro 'yun na ang una't huli na sinabi ko nang malakas ang bagay na 'yon na matagal ko nang tanong sa sarili ko.

I almost proposed to her. Desidido kasi ako no'n na siya na. Sobra.

At tama naman ako, eh. She really was the one. It's just.. she decided that I wasn't.

Unlike last time, matapos akong iwanan to the nth time, hindi ko na sinubukang ayusin ang sarili ko.

Unlike last time, alam kong talo ako kay Baekhyun. Alam kong nagkulang ako kay Taeyeon. Alam kong naglaro lang kami ni Luhan.

Pero kay Sunbin. I didn't know I'd be a loser. I knew I did everything I could. I knew I wasn't playing around.

I was damn serious. Umasa ako. Akala ko 'yun na.

Ginamit ko naman lahat ng natutunan ko sa mga taong dumaan sa buhay ko, ah? Were those still not enough?

I'd say my heartbreak because of Bin hurt the most. It broke me the most. Nilubog ako nun sa lupa hanggang hindi ako makahinga. Walang level ng pain, pero alam kong masakit. Masakit na masakit hanggang sa wala na akong maramdaman.

One night I drunk drove, bought a tequilla in a bar and drank again. I passed out.

The trauma I had for the last two years from Baekhyun up to Sunbin---gone. When I woke up, I was diagnosed with a temporary amnesia.

Akala ko sa mga movie lang nangyayari 'yun. But yeah, I've undergone that and when I regained consciousness, surprisingly and thanks to the motherfucking playful Fates who're probably laughing their asses off because of the stupid happenings in my life, I saw Taeyeon in her nurse uniform, staring at me both in shock and worry.

Pero hindi ko siya nakilala. I---my mind might be blank that time but my heart was still as fragile as it originally was---fell in love with her again, but this time, without any remnants of my past. Hindi talaga namin napag-usapan kung ano kami nung mga panahong 'yon, pero Taeyeon and I were both so passionate about each other. We were too clingy and emotional and dependent to each other; too needy and sometimes aggressive.

And because I was a jerk as much as I was weak-hearted, I took her virginity. It was my first too, kaya inisip ko na espesyal 'yun para sa aming dalawa. I wanted to make it right this time, make it up to all those mistakes I've done and to all those abuses I've brought my heart upon. Gusto kong maayos na 'yung aspeto ng buhay ko na hindi ko maayos-ayos, dahil alam kong hindi 'yon deserve ng sinumang taong mahalaga sa akin.

I tried making everything right, but at the end, I just looked crazy. And desperate.

Siguro naging closure na lang para kay Taeyeon 'yung pangalawa naming pagkikita. It was her way to, for the last time, show me how much she loved and valued me, afte all this time. Maybe that's why she didn't say anything. Maybe that's why she didn't demand any labels.

Kasi matagal na siyang sumuko. Matagal na niyang tinalikuran 'yung kung anumang natitirang nararamdaman niya sa'kin para harapin nang tuluyan 'yung nauna niyang plano; ang mga pangarap niya para sa sarili at sa nanay niya.

Pero hindi ako galit. Nagpasalamat lang ako dahil nagawa niya akong harapin, alagaan at mahalin ulit kahit saglit lang, habang unti-unting bumabalik sa'kin lahat ng alaala ko.

Taeyeon did her best to make the most out of her love to me and show it to me for the last time.

After that, we formally said a final goodbye.

Somehow, I felt relieved. And thankful. And happy.

At least, another person is free from my desperate pleas of love.

\---

The sun angrily shone its lights on my eyes and that woke me up.

Naiwan kong bukas ang bintana sa pinakaitaas ng pader ng studio. All I could mutter was a rough 'what the fuck' bago bumangon. Ang sakit ng buong katawan ko.

Na-realize ko na nakatulog ako sa sahig ng studio. Bukod sa lamig na nahigop ng balat ko mula sa sahig, kumirot ang mga kalamnan ko dahil walang sapin o unan man lang sa tinulugan ko.

Sino ba kasing may sabing dito ako pumunta kagabi?

I checked my watch. I saw that it's almost noon, at wala pa akong naihahandang kahit na ano.

Mamayang alas tres kasi, magkikita-kita kami ng buong team to finally settle down everything about sa issue ng dance academy.

I groaned. Nagplano akong idaan sa pagsayaw ang stress ko kagabi pero dahil sa mga iniisip ko, nakatulog ako. Walang gumising sa'kin.

Kelan kaya may asawang gigising sa akin tuwing umaga?

Natawa ako sa iniisip ko. Tanginang pangarap 'yan. Hindi pa nga daw kasi ngayon ' yung time, sabi ni Tadhana. At saka gaano katagal na ba mula nung huli? Dalawang linggo pa lang yata, ah?

Dalawang linggo since Luhan and I called off our marriage. Oo, a few months after Sunbin. Engaged na kami ni Luhan, pero natapos din ang lahat bigla. Not surprised, alam ko namang niloloko lang namin ulit ni Luhan ang isa't-isa, pero alam niyo 'yun? Kahit konti umasa ako. Para kasing totoo eh.

O siguro totoo nga. Pero hindi para sa isa't-isa ang nararamdaman naming iyon. Kundi para sa mga taong inaasam naming bumalik.

Napailing-iling ako. Putangina talaga. Medyo masakit ang ulo ko, pero mas masakit ang ulo ko sa mga dinanas ko.

Luhan. I think he isn't counted as one of my past lovers. Never will he. Siguro, mas naging 'companion' kami sa isa't-isa kumpara sa term na karelasyon.

Kasi isipin mo: dalawang beses kaming naglaro. Mas malala nga lang 'yung pangalawa.

It's like, we were companions to those two times we both understood each other more than any other person in the world. In those two times where we were both broken and chose each other to let out our feelings that was supposed to be for the person we really love because we're both crazy enough to do so.

Now that I'm thinking about it, it's kind of sad.

I hope---I really hope---I get to have a better relationship with Luhan. Afterall, he'd beena great friend. Sehun Oh is another lucky fucktard, just like Chanyeol. At sa kung sino man ang magiging para kina Taeyeon at... Bin.

I hope everyone is happy.

Including myself.

I looked around the studio, taking in everything I could by my eyes. Nung nakaraan lang nakareceive kami ng notice of closure. Management and financial problem. Wala kaming nagawa. We're mere choreographers and trainors, wala kaming laban kung talagang maipapasara 'yung studio.

Maraming naman sigurong malilipatan, hindi ba?

Saka ko na siguro iisipin pagkatapos ng araw na 'to.

Pagkatapos, pupuntahan ko 'yung binigay sa'king address ni Zico, which Baekhyun recommended me.

Kinuha ko sa bulsa ng pantalon ko 'yung business card na iniabot sa'kin at binasa.

'Sung Jae Moon Enterprise  
#61 Revel St. Morning Avenue, Caloocan City  
Miss Joy Park, Head HR'

I gazed outside the window. Maaraw, unlike yesterday. At kabaligtaran ng kalangitan, nakasimangot na naman ako.

How ironic. 

Sana mamaya nakangiti naman.

\- fin -


End file.
